Of all of the challenged manager types I’ve suffered under personally or collaborated with as an HR practitioner … the conflict-avoidant manager is common. I’m not a trained medical professional but I think we can appreciate the underlying psychology here. Humans cannot thrive on their own, so the desire to be liked (and therefore allowed into the tribe, or to remain accepted by the tribe) is powerful. Where this thinking goes off the rails is when we assume we won’t be liked or accepted - or better yet as a leader, respected - over the long term, if we hurt or disappoint someone in the immediate term.
When was the last time you were given clear, specific, actionable criticism in a professional setting? What was it? In what kind of regard do you now hold the person who offered you this feedback?
I (Sachi) can answer this! Last week, I gave a talk at a prestigious university on leadership and personality. The faculty member who invited me to give the talk, provided me with feedback afterwards that when introducing myself, I should not reference how new I am to providing this kind of expertise to audiences like the one I was addressing. Her point was that there was little benefit in making the audience question - out of the gate - why they were about to spend fifty minutes listening to me. In reflecting upon her feedback, she was right. My humility was more about my issues (imposter syndrome, anyone?) but didn’t serve the broader purpose well.
My respect for this faculty member has increased, in the days since. Not only was the feedback correct on an absolute basis, but she demonstrated care and courage by choosing to say something. She could have easily said nothing. After all, the talk was already delivered, had generally gone well, and the issue wasn’t a big one.
If you haven’t provided a piece of clear, specific, actionable criticism to someone who you manage in the last month, I’m happy to point you to a couple of inspos but two important criteria first. In order to be an effective manager and an effective deliverer of feedback, you should:
have already established a track record of offering clear, specific, actionable praise. That is, your direct report is already aware of the specific behaviors and tasks they do well and should continue to repeat.
lead by example and have effectively solicited actionable, critical feedback (about you), receiving it with gratitude if not grace.
Inspo #1 for the conflict-avoidant manager. Assuming you’ve met the two criteria above, the guru on all things feedback is Kim Scott. I can’t recommend her book Radical Candor enough. But if you don’t have time for that, hopefully you have sixteen minutes to watch her 2023 TEDx talk, which TED just released. And I can boil it down even further: make sure the feedback you are offering is about them (you are rooting for them, so you want to support their growth) not you (for example, you’re upset about how their Excel error made you look in a meeting).
Inspo #2. (And credit to David Brooks for this insight, in his recent book How To Know a Person.) Rewatch the scene in Good Will Hunting where Sean Maguire (Robin Williams) meets Will Hunting (Matt Damon) on a bench in Boston Common. On that bench, Maguire delivers to Will insightful - even piercing - criticism. “I ask you about war, and you’ll probably throw Shakespeare at me, right? ‘Once more into the breach, dear friends.’ But you’ve never been near [an actual war].” You know the scene. Watch it again as a masterclass in delivering critical feedback not only kindly, but compassionately. What is particularly instructive is to remember that in an earlier scene, Maguire was upset about the criticism Will leveled against a painting in his (Maguire’s) office. Maguire had to figure out how to make all of this less about his initial hurt, and more about Hunting.
Remember: ground your criticism in the person’s growth, making sure it’s not about you or your issues. First establish a base of praise, and an example of soliciting and receiving critical feedback well. It really is this straightforward.